Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee: Part Deux
by triforcelord
Summary: Hello there, Triforcelord is back! Here, Link is returning to Castle Town after defeating Ganondorf after losing his ever loving mind due to him drinking coffee. But guess what he asks for for his reward? If you've read my previous story, Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee, then you should know. And does Jim make a reappearance? Read to find out. Oneshot. Please Read and Review.


**Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee: Part Deux**

A/N: Hello people! Triforcelord is back with another story. This is the sequel of my other story Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee, which for some reason is my most popular story. If you haven't read that story, go back and read it now, or else you really won't get some of the references in this thing. Now let's get this thing started!

**Why Link Should Never Drink Coffee: Part Deux**

Link was walking back to Castle Town from Ganondorf's Castle after his completely psychot- I mean epically heroic defeat of Ganondorf, the King of Evil. And the Gerudos, but everyone knows that that is just a minor plot characteristic. But anyway, once Link got back to Castle Town, he was met with an extremely large and happy welcome…even though he didn't have the princess.

The commander of the entire Hylian Army walked up to Link and said, "Son, you have done the entire kingdom of Hyrule a great favor. You have saved us from complete and utter tyranny. You may have whatever it is that you may want. All you have to do is ask."

The crowd watched Link, all wondering what it was Link would ask for. Some thought it would be a beautiful woman, so some pulled their wives and daughters away from the crowd while others pushed them to the front, hoping to finally get rid of all the nagging.

Others thought that it would be money, and hid their wallets where no man or women would dare venture to go. However, to the perverts, it was like a two in one deal.

Link pretended to think for a moment, and then said the words that would completely screw the entirety of Castle Town. "I want a bottle of your finest coffee!" Link exclaimed.

The commander of the Hylian Army was very confused. "You do realize that you could have anything you want, right? Money, gold, jewels, woman, the guide to Majora's Mask, anything."

Then a voice spoke from above the clouds. It said, "Oh no you don't! Stop breaking the damn fourth wall, bitch! You're going to ruin our fun!" And with that, the voice of the goddess, who knows which one, departed from Hyrule, leaving…absolutely nothing in it's wake.

The crowd was stunned silent, both by the voice, what it had said, and the realization that at least part of their religion was fake.

"Okay, you can have your coffee." The commander said, now just wanting to get this over with. But the worst had yet to come.

Some guards ran over with a bottle full of Hyrule's finest coffee, and when they gave it to Link, he drank the whole thing.

Well, this can't be good.

Before everybody's eyes, Link, the Great Hero of Time, straightened up quickly and…started singing Soilja Boy...into a microphone that appeared out of nowhere.

All of a sudden, Link saw the shiny bottle that the coffee had been in. "JIIIMMMM!" Link said, extremely happy, "I thought you died!"

All of a sudden Link leaned in closer to the bottle, like it was talking to him. But that's preposterous. Bottles can't talk, right? Right?

"Oh, so you're not Jim?" Link said, seemingly talking to…the bottle.

Through all of this, the crowd was watching, some amused, some freaked out, and some needed a change of clothes. The Commander of the Hylian Army was one of those who needed a change of clothes. He was now thinking among the same lines that Navi was, before she took her life lo- I mean, short break, yeah.

"Well, I'm going to call you Jim Jr. Do you like that name, Jim Jr?" Link said, stroking the bottle, "Yes you do, yes you do!" Just then Link looked out into the audience, who were all now staring at him like he just sang a weird song for no reason and then started talking to a bottle. Oh wait, that's right.

"Well, what're all you weird people staring at?" Link asked the very scared audience.

"You, psycho, and your freaky bottle!" One man was brave enough to answer. That was the worst decision of his life, and screwed all of Castle Town.

All of a sudden the air grew very cold. Link was seen with shadows covering his face, shaking in rage. "You can insult me," Link said, "You can insult my questionable sanity, you can insult my decision to leave the Princess in a crystal to die in the middle of Hyrule Field to get another coffee-" "Wait, WHAT! YOU ASSHOLE!" Was the general answer from the crowd.

"SILENCE!" Link said, enraged. The crowd quickly grew silent. "But you can never, ever, insult Jim Jr, in all of your life, which I am about to end RIGHT NOW! Come on, Jim Jr, let's get'em!" And with that, Jim Jr transformed. He grew bottle arms, legs, fingers, and toes, just like his predecessor, but unlike Jim the Original, Jim Jr had four arms, a broken bottle sword was in both of his top two arms, and had a bow in his bottom two arms.

"Now Jim Jr, FOR NARNIA!" Link yelled, and together they began to slaughter the crowd.

First, Link, in his sped-up coffee state, slaughtered the Commander and all of the soldiers who were up on the stage before they could even draw their swords.

"You call that a draw?" Link said, taking out a piece of paper, "I'll show you a draw!" Very quickly he drew a perfect picture of the Mona Lisa, which distracted the crowd and the soldiers.

"Now Jim Jr, while they're distracted!" Link said.

Jim Jr ran at the crowd with Link following behind, and they started attacking epically in slo-mo…while everyone else was moving at real time.

"I don't think that this is working." Link said in slo-mo.

Jim Jr nodded his…upper half and they sped up. There were no survivors.

Later, Jim Jr and Link were sitting on top of Hyrule Castle, watching the scenic view of thousands of dead bodies littered all over the city become ReDeads.

"Hey, Jim Jr." Link said. Jim Jr turned around. "You did so good today. So good in fact I bet you could fly!" Jim Jr thought about it and decided to try it.

Jim Jr jumped off the top of the castle and soared like a bird…for about five seconds, before crashing down to the bottom and breaking.

"NOOOOOOO! JIIIIIIMMMMMM!" Link cried. Link was heartbroken. From that day on he plundered village after village and became worse than Ganondorf, all for the sake of his dearest friend, Jim Jr the Bottle. Or, at least, that's what happened in his energy induced coma, which he got put in after that Kokiri party. Yes, my friends, all the world saving and coffee was just a caffeine induced dream.

A/N: So, how did you guys like that little twist ending huh? Screw that, how did you guys like the entire story? Please tell me in a review. Triforcelord, out!


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